GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
December 3, Dece
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Is the old red & green making you feel BLUE this season?
You need to see the Love Doctor on Tuesday night. Dr. Mari is NOT a licensed Psychologist but she can prescribe “alternative medicines” from the Nickel Pharmacy like:
Fear of fire:
Come see Fire and Desire
Friday December 3rd!
For Shyness: Sing your heart out with speech therapist Singin' Sandy Friday December 10
Fear of Flying:
Take ladies night flight 555 Every Thursday with Captain Michelle. With free onboard activities and food, and no stanchion BALLADS!! (And you thought those guys in ALIVE had fun.)
Fear of Intimacy:
Sit on SANTA'S lap at our holiday party! Friday & Saturday, December 17 & 18.
Fear of loud noises:
DJs Pet Shop Girl and SWEETNESS ease you into the eighties art of noise EVERY SATURDAY
Fear of full priced beer:
Let one of our helpful dieticians serve you
during our 6 9pm Happy Hours!
7 days a week!
4365 State Road
Cleveland
216-661-1314
THE
She likes to be pinched, but clothespins are too much
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
It's morning again. It seems not to matter how diligent I was yesterday-taking a little walk and eating some salad for my health, actually listening to and answering my phone messages, not doing any crossword puzzles at work-I've still been wrested rudely from my delicious bed far too early.
I peek out the back door, and confident that no one is looking, I sneak my nudie ass out there to grab some dog food, and scurry back in. I'm not sure I even realize that it's another day until that cold air slaps me on the butt. My morning hijinks used to end here, but these days, it's back out on the porch for a second cup of chow.
But Mary, you're thinking, I know about Kiera, the couch-eating, tomato-stealing, in-the-gardensleeping, male-house-guest-accidental-scrotal-jabbing, jumping-on-your-head-at-random-times boxer that was your girlfriend's primary dowry. Surely one dog with that much love to give is enough for any sane person with any emotional, physical or fiscal limits?
One might think that, but then I've been paying attention to this whole Touched by an Angel thing. That, combined with my ingrained Catholic fear of swift and just punishment for any crimes I may have ever possibly committed, seem to be the only explanation for the fact that I now also own a twelve-year-old cocker spaniel with breath that has earned her a nickname: The Clam.
We were off to the butcher the night before Halloween, and traffic seemed to be jammed up at the end of our block. We live right off a very busy road, so when we saw a flash of tan between two cars, and my sweetie said, "It's a dog. Should I go get her?" I said yes, she hopped out, and I circled around the block.
By the time I found them again, she had enlisted the dubious assistance of a hysterical florist, a confused drunken man, and three suspicious teenagers, and had chased the dog six blocks down. The pooch had no collar, so after I pulled some poop off her tail with an inadequate leaf, we put her in the back seat to bring her home, and contemplate the next step. It was a short drive back, but the car stank. Like a really old fish that had flopped up on a beach and died. Then put on some clam cologne. And died again.
I should have known how this would turn out, but I blithely made posters, called animal control with her vitals for any one who was looking for their lost dog, and visited the vet to see if she had a chip (she didn't). I tried various names out on her. Maybe her old name would be easy to guess. "Hey Princess! Goldie! Fluffy! Miss Gabor!" What do people name cocker spaniels?
My sweetie looked into her eyes, and said, "What was that name I was saying this morning at the dog park? You know, the one I said our next dog should have?"
No! That morning I had been unconcerned by her pronouncement, pretty certain that we'd be getting our next dog sometime after
the survivalists had finally finished all that canned food they'd hoarded for Y2K. But now I saw a future of yelling out the back door every night at dinner time...
"Brenda. That's it. Hi, little Brenda." The⚫ Clam had her new name.
More than a month later, no one has claimed her. And just like
o
BIG TIPS
that, our family has expanded by a furry, stinky 33.3%. The vet says a dental cleaning may help with the breath, but even if we have to keep driving with the car windows down all winter, she's a keeper. Dear Big Tipper,
My girlfriend likes me
to pinch her nipples very hard when we're having
sex.
I've seen fetish pictures where
women have clothespins on their nipples, and I thought she might like that. She was open to the idea, but when we tried, I couldn't let the clothespin close the whole way, or it would have hurt her too much. Are those pictures for real?
Dear Lobster Girl,
Pinchy
People have all sorts of tolerance levels for nipple stimulation.
Clothespins work for some folks, but in general, they're way too tight for the average nip on the street. This is where the marvelous world of tit clamps comes in to play.
There are lots of types of clamps that you could just pick up at the hardware store, but there are really nice things about clamps designed just for sex. Often they have a little screw designed into them so you can set the tension to a tightness that is comfortable (or just uncomfortable enough) for you.
Clothespins grab in kind of a mashing way, since the pinching surfaces are flat against each other, but you can buy tit clamps that are a little more C-shaped, and that reach over the tip of your nipple and grab the flesh behind it, for less of a hair-raising experience. (On that note, if you like the idea of clothespins, but they're too much if you just put them jutting straight out from you, try grabbing a nipple, pulling it away from the body slightly, and pinching a clothespin on sideways, on the behind-the-very-tip zone.)
Tit clamps also frequently have rubber tips, which help prevent slippage. And they may have chains or weights attached to them: fancy! Also, you can stick those clips other places: hmmm. And they're usually pretty inexpensive: between $10 and $25 for a pair, depending on how complicated they are.
I'm thinking Hanukkah presents for everyone on your list. If you don't have a clamp emporium at your local mall, I'd recommend my favorite online sex toy seller: http:// www.blowfish.com. They're smart and funny and run a tight ship with a fabulous array of products. Pinch away.
Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.
Antone F. Feo, Ph.D. & Associates, Inc.
WARNING: Consumption of alcoholic beverages may lead you
to believe that fruitcake is tasty
nicke
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